19 Oct The Juice Cleanse

Nearing the end of Day 1 of a 3-day juice cleanse. Each day of the cleanse calls for 128 oz. of water, 64 oz. of ‘green drink’, 32 oz. of ‘green protein shake’ (a slightly thicker version of the green drink), and 16 oz. of ‘soup’ (a seemingly slightly thicker version of the protein shake). That’s just a ton of liquid! My stomach is sloshing around, and I’m a weird combo of really hungry and so full.. If I survive, I’ll be thinner and ‘cleaner’. If…

Day 2 of a 3 day juice cleanse. I started the day by imitating Niagra Falls for what seemed like 5 minutes…the toilet almost flushed itself. Remember the famous “evacuation process, complete” scene from ‘Austin Powers’? Child’s play. Then I noticed that my breath was peeling the paint off the walls and I smelled like a dead monkey’s butt. Wish I was kidding. I was supposed to drink 32 oz. of water in the first hour I’m awake, but with the first swallow I realized that I was still water-logged from yesterday. No place to put 200 more oz. Called the place where I got the cleanse and they said to cut back on the water until I felt a hunger pang. Hasn’t happened yet. This better be somewhat good for me, because, damn. Now I’m off to wash my pits for the 5th time today.

Day 3 of a 3 day juice cleanse. I’m so sick of green drinks! Picture falling into a moss-covered, algae-filled pond and having to drink your way out. I’m waterlogged (my stomach sloshes and glurgles when I move), even though I cut the water consumption significantly in days 2 and 3. I’m not hungry (how could I be with so much liquid in me?), but my mouth wants some food. The stenches (yes, plural) coming from me yesterday have gone away, thankfully. I feel fine, but haven’t experienced the energy, clarity, sharpness, etc. that some have told me about. I never weigh myself so I don’t know how much I lost, but I can tell I’m slimmer, and I’ve gotta think that’ll get better after another Austin Powers-like wiz or two. Folks who are into health are telling me to start tomorrow really light, eating only fruit and salads…but after 3 days of drinking fairly nasty tasting green stuff, the thought of only eating salads tomorrow is disgusting. I’ll likely be ‘good’, but it’ll be torture to not wolf down a pizza. Yuuukkk, I just burped grass!

The day after my 3 day juice cleanse…food, glorious food! Eggs Benedict for breakfast, pepperoni pizza for lunch, a big burger and fries at dinner, hot fudge sundae after. OK my healthy fanatic friends (you know who you are), don’t stroke out, I’m kidding! Unsweetened greek yogurt with blueberries for breakfast (BEST. BREAKFAST. EVER), organic salad for lunch (BEST. LUNCH. EVER), a little salmon and brown rice for dinner (BEST. DINNER. EVER). Turns out that not eating for a few days makes food taste REALLY good. Apparently my stomach has shrunken to the size of a thimble, because more food went into take-home boxes after each meal than into my mouth. I really haven’t noticed any increased energy or super-clear thinking like folks told me about, but my pants are way looser, so it’s all good!

On a serious note, I didn’t eat solid food for 3 days, and was fairly friggin’ miserable. We’ve got to do something about chronic hunger in America and the world, because being a little hungry sucks, but I can’t come close to imagining how awful starving your entire life is. I’ve heard that there’s easily enough food to feed everyone, it’s just a distribution issue. We’ve got to find a way to figure that out!