04 Oct The epiphany

Last year (when I was 46) a group of friends, all single (or divorcees), both male and female, and I were out for dinner. The conversation came around to dating, and one of the gals (who is so cute that she’s usually the most attractive person in any room she’s in) says, “You know what I like in men? I like…”

And she paused. Just a tiny split second of a pause, just enough to inhale the air to finish the sentence. But in that snippet of a moment, something really strange happened to me. I had a very large thought, drop, complete, into my mind. The contents of this thought-blob were unnerving to me, and literally hung over me for the next couple weeks. But it was the way the thought-blob entered my mind that really struck me…I usually think verbally, using sequential words, like talking to myself, but faster. But this thing downloaded into my consciousness as a fully formed concept, start to finish, simultaneously. I guess this is what an epiphany is.

The thought was, ”no woman will ever finish that sentence with anything that describes me, if she’s being honest. People in general are superficial, and no woman is ever going to say ‘I want a nice handicapped guy’. The only way I’ll fit into someone’s preconceived notion of what they want is to be so something else (nice, smart, funny, rich, good-looking, well-hung, cocky, charitable, extraordinary…whatever) to make up for the fact that I’m not what she thought she was looking for physically.”

This thought hit me, fully formed, in a split second. I felt like I’d been hit with a 2×4. I reeled from the blow…literally leaned against the wall next to me. I knew the thought was true…probably the most accurate self assessment of my situation ever.

Then she finished the sentence, “You know what I like in men? I like…big shoulders.” I wanted to shout, “See!?!?”, but no one would understand what I was freaking out about. Big shoulders?! Who the hell puts THAT as number 1 on their must-have in a mate list?!

Well, shit…maybe I need to stop choosing the women I’m attracted to based on their looks.